The Complete Works of Josh Billings (Paperback)

Excerpt: ... the poor-house. Give a smart child a pack ov kards and a spellin book, and he will larn tew pla a good game ov hi lo jak long before he kan spell a word ov two sillables. 255 A lie iz good for a short race, but it takes truth tew run the heats-"blood will tell." Thare iz a huge number ov souls perambulating around the world who hav bin straining for years after a camel and finally had to swallow a nat. We should awl aim at perfeckshun, but no one but a phool will expekt tew reach it. Pride livs on itself, it iz like a raccoon in winter, keep fatt bi sucking its claws. Laffing devils are the most dangerous. If i had a mule that wouldn't neither kik nor bite, i should watch him dredful spry till i found out whare hiz malice lay. GNATS. I dont kno az it iz a very difficult thing tew be a good injun up in heaven, but tew cum down here and be a good injun, iz just whare the tite spot cums in. Forgiving our enemys haz the same refreshing effekt upon our souls az it duz tew confess our sins. What a lamentable cuss man iz, he pittys hiz nabors misfortunes, bi calling them judgments from heaven. Wize men go thru this world az boys go tew bed in the dark, whistling tew shorten the distance. "The gods help them who help themselfs." Upon the same principle mankind praze thoze who praze themselfs. Falling in love iz like falling into mollassiss, sweet but dreadful dobby. Hunters and gamblers are poor ekonemists, they kill time, a species ov game that kant be reproduced. Good breeding iz the art ov avoiding familiarity, and at the same time making the company satisfied with you and pleazed with themselfs. Tew be happy-take things az they cum, and let them go jist az they cum. 256 It takes a grate deal of money tew make a man ritch, but it don't take but little virtew. It iz the little things ov this life that plague us- Muskeeters are plenty, elephants skarse. What an agreeable world this would be tew liv in if we could pump all the pride and...