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The much-loved Guardian columnist asks what it takes to make a husband, and looks to his own married life to provide the answer.* *Anything resembling advice should be taken at reader's own risk. You'll never get divorced if you never get married. Not even your granny minds if you live in sin anymore. And if you're single you can choose curtains without somebody else butting in. So why bother with marriage? It can't just be an easy way round having to buy your own deodorant. Guardian columnist Tim Dowling is a husband of some twenty years. His marriage is resounding proof that even the most impossible partnership can work out for the best. Some of the time. So while this book is called `How To be a Husband', it's not really a how-to guide at all. Nor is it a compendium of petty remarks and brinkmanship - although it contains plenty of both. You may pick up a few DIY hints. You might learn that while marriage is founded on love, it endures through bloody hard work. Most likely it will make you whimper with the laughter of painful recognition. `How To be a Husband' is a cautionary tale about throwing caution to the wind. It's the strange romance of two people consenting to share a roll-on. It's a new manifesto for marriage and an answer to why, even when we suck at it, we stick at it.
Children are little gems, not least for their sense of humour and the hilariously funny things they spring on us, whether intentional or not. The author started collecting the cute and surprising things her grandchildren said, and was soon joined by friends and family, all of whom had something to contribute. The result is this collection of stories and one-liners, which is bound to make even the dourest among us smile. A mirror of real life with children, this title often reveals profound wisdom behind the humour, verbalising the most honest and revealing thoughts that seem to need the innocence of a child for the humour to shine through. It has a timeless, universal appeal and will be lapped up and enjoyed by parents, grandparents and teachers alike. At times side-splittingly funny, the stories in this collection have been divided into chapters dealing with everyday aspects of life, such as old age, children's ailments, family and siblings, love and emotions, and children's concepts about God and religion.
You don't have to own a dog and you don't have to be Jewish... A humour title about using guilt, shame and passive aggression to raise your dog that will have you barking with laughter. A 'Not Missing Yet' sign informs neighbours that dog is not missing. Some trainers call this precaution unnecessary. We say: It couldn't hurt. Finally! The dog training techniques and tips developed by the renowned Rabbis of the Boca Raton Theological Seminary are available in book form. Look out, monks. Step aside, whisperer. Rabbi Monica and Rabbi Alan show, step by step, how you can use guilt, shame, passive aggression, sarcasm and Conditional Unconditional Love to create an unbreakable bond with your dog. It's all here, including: - The five ways of commanding 'Sit!' ('What, would it kill you to sit down for one lousy second?') - A useful list of Advanced Commands ('Don't stare at Cousin Edith's hair when she comes over.') - How to use Situational Martyrdom when the dog disobeys ('Fine. Do what you want. I hope you have a nice life.') The rabbis have been training dogs - and their owners - for 20 years. Now they bring the fruits of their vast experience to dog owners everywhere. And the best part? You don't have to be Jewish to benefit from the programme. Just neurotic. Or crazy about your dog.
If you know a pearfect numpty who needs a bit of sage advice, chia them up with this little book of upbeat and adorkable fruit puns. #youokalehun? About the series This cute and colourful series of fruit-pun-filled gift books are the perfect pick-me-ups for you, your friend or your partner in crime. Do you need to avocuddle, or are you grapeful for someone who's a bit of a melon? Then share the clove with these little books: AvoCuddle, WhataMelon, You are my Raisin for Living, Don't Give a Fig, I am Grapeful, You are 24 Carrot Gold. *veg, nuts and seeds are fair game
'Clever, funny, authoritative and illuminating' - Times Literary Supplement 'Filled with passion, humour, and a little bit of welcome weirdness. A must-read for every die-hard wrestling fan' - Mick Foley For fans of books from Chris Jericho, Steve Austin, Daniel Bryan, Mick Foley and Jim Ross. 'We have all felt every emotion today. Remember today, the next time a family member or workmate tells you that wrestling is stupid. We've laughed, we've cried, we've screamed our lungs out. Professional wrestling is the greatest thing in the entire world.' - Jim Smallman, 2016 Comedian and PROGRESS Wrestling founder Jim Smallman takes us on a wild ride through the history of pro-wrestling, from its beginnings at the turn of the twentieth century to the pop-culture, pay-per-view juggernaut that it is today. Join Jim as he looks at the most defining and iconic moments in wrestling's history and attempts to nail down just why this ludicrous, over the top, compelling quasi-sport means so much to so many people.
Olivia believes in making every day an adventure, and you can
help her with this fun, interactive mini kit featuring a cute
magnet of Olivia, along with a full range of magnetic outfits and
accessories to mix and match -- now she's ready for anything Also
included is a 16-page full-color sticker book.
Waarom mans altyd reg is (en ander onnoselhede) bevat van die laaste (en skreeusnaaksste) rubrieke wat André le Roux vir Sarie geskryf het. Wat is dit met vrouens en alewig inkopies doen? En hoekom wil mans nooit dokter toe gaan nie? En vir wat moet ’n mansmens dan nou ’n huweliksherdenking onthou, of o wee, eintlik was dit haar verjaarsdag! Met dié jongste bundel sketse van André le Roux kry ’n mens opnuut lag vir die hemelsbreë verskille tussen mans en vroue. En waarom die liefde steeds blind is.
‘Met die middagson kom die lugspieëlings wat aan die vallei sy naam gegee het: Deception Valley. Dan skuil alles wat asemhaal in die koelte van ’n matjarra, rug na die wind gedraai. In die lang geelwit gras lê die leeus uitgestrek en slaap. Net die vlakvarke draf stertorent nader vir ’n modderbad.’
Annelize Slabbert was ’n joernalis in Johannesburg en haar man, Gerard, ’n apteker. Stedelinge. Toe word hulle moeg vir die lewe in die stad, die spitsverkeer, die gebrek aan stilte en sterre. En hulle volg die krom wandelpad na Die Droom van ’n landelike idille met skape en groen gras. Tot, uiteindelik, in die son en sand van die Sentraal-Kalahari in Botswana waar hulle ’n vierster-lodge bestuur. Wat kan dan nou verkeerd loop? 'n Ware verhaal, uitstekend vertel, skreeusnaaks en aangrypend.
Tossary of Terms by Modern Toss is the first in an illustrated dictionary series. Produced by cartoonists Jon Link & Mick Bunnage, this book features new words such as: Scumcestor, Prioritit, Newmonia, Cock-bonnet, Screen-margarine and Attenborough's Trench. The fast changing modern scene chucks up stuff faster than we can nail it down and label it. The ear grease on a smart phone screen, wearing a hat that makes you look like even more of a tit, the DNA rich stew in the bogs hand dryer trough, paying extra money to sit in a plane before the rest of the passengers. This invaluable tool for navigating the 21st century shitscape is printed on paper, rendering it impervious to cyber attack.
How does one play bridge in a gas mask? Or enjoy motoring without consuming petrol? Or deal with a nationwide shortage of pea-sticks? For this compact little book Heath Robinson joined forces with writer Cecil Hunt to show civilians `how to make the best of things' during the air raids, rationing, allotment tending and blackouts of the Second World War. The result is a warm celebration of the British population's ability to `make do and mend'.
"Edgier than Bryson, hits harder than Mayle." (The Times). A year after arriving in France, Englishman Paul West is still struggling with some fundamental questions: What is the best way to scare a gendarme? Why are there no health warnings on French nudist beaches? And is it really polite to sleep with your boss's mistress? Paul opens his English tea room, and mutates (temporarily) into a Parisian waiter; samples the pleasures of typically French hotel-room afternoons; and, on a return visit to the UK, sees the full horror of a British office party through Parisian eyes. Meanwhile, he continues his search for the perfect French mademoiselle. But will Paul find l'amour eternel, or will it all end in merde? Merde Actually. In his second comedy of errors, Paul West continues to sabotage the entente cordiale. Author's apology: "I'd just like to say sorry to all the suppository fans out there, because in this book there are no suppositories. There are, however, lots of courgettes, and I see this as progress. Suppositories to courgettes - I think it proves that I'm developing as a writer." (Stephen Clarke).
Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin... This hilarious book could save your career and get you the keys to the executive washroom! It is the ultimate guide to going to the toilet at work, and is filled with practical advice for dealing with all sorts of poop-related problems. What to do if: you are 'ill'; a colleague follows you into the bathroom; the flush doesn't work; no paper; no seat; your colleagues arrive; your phone rings; and many more real-life situations that are tough to cope with. All are complemented by useful diagrams.
From the bestselling author of `Eats, Shoots & Leaves', this is the hilarious new book from Lynne Truss about her strange journey through the world of sport and sports journalism. `Years ago, Boris Becker famously said, after losing at Wimbledon, "Nobody died. I just lost a tennis match." And while some people applauded him for his healthy sense of proportion, it didn't ring remotely true. While I was writing about sport, I was caught on the horns of this dilemma for the whole bloody time. I was like the poor confused jurors in `Alice's Adventures in Wonderland' who sit in their jury box, writing emphatically on their little slates, both "important" and "not important" because they honestly don't have a clue.' In this magnificent book, Lynne Truss charts her often bizarre wanderings during her time as a sports journalist for the `Sunday Times'. From covering a heavyweight world title fight at Madison Square Garden, to watching England beat Holland from an airship above Wembley (while eating chocolate cake); from her extravagant feelings about Andre Agassi, to covering sports like cricket (where, initially, she didn't have any idea what was going on), Lynne Truss manages to crystallize exactly the essence of what sport is about, and bring her characteristic wisdom and wry humour to it. The book will be a revelation to sport's foolish doubters, and a treat for the many of us who spend too much of our time watching it.
Without a doubt, dogs are better than men. They may (sometimes) be just as smelly and messy, but they offer you true unconditional love and are easier to please - and man's best friend is much better company than your man's best friend. Look inside and you're bound to agree: it's a pretty puppy over a beery bloke every time.
What was Sir Isaac Newton famous for? He invented gravity. Another year has passed, which means more exams have been sat and more silly answers have been given by the children of our future. To make sure these hilarious blunders won't be forgotten, F in Exams is back again with brand-new content, from amusing misunderstandings to marvellous misspellings. It's the perfect escape for students struggling with revision and anyone who has experienced the joys of taking an exam.
Family begins with a capital eff. I'm wondering how many more f*cking `phases' I have to endure before my children become civilised and functioning members of society? It seems like people have been telling me `it's just a phase!' for the last fifteen bloody years. Not sleeping through the night is `just a phase.' Potty training and the associated accidents `is just a phase'. The tantrums of the terrible twos are `just a phase'. The picky eating, the back chat, the obsessions. The toddler refusals to nap, the teenage inability to leave their beds before 1pm without a rocket being put up their arse. The endless singing of Frozen songs, the dabbing, the weeks where apparently making them wear pants was akin to child torture. All `just phases!' When do the `phases' end though? WHEN? Mummy dreams of a quirky rural cottage with roses around the door and chatty chickens in the garden. Life, as ever, is not going quite as she planned. Paxo, Oxo and Bisto turn out to be highly rambunctious, rather than merely chatty, and the roses have jaggy thorns. Her precious moppets are now giant teenagers, and instead of wittering at her about who would win in a fight - a dragon badger or a ninja horse - they are Snapchatting the night away, stropping around the tiny cottage and communicating mainly in grunts - except when they are demanding Ellen provides taxi services in the small hours. And there is never, but never, any milk in the house. At least the one thing they can all agree on is that rescued Barry the Wolfdog may indeed be The Ugliest Dog in the World, but he is also the loveliest.
Soldiers disguised as a herd of cows, cork bath mats for troops crossing streams and a tank with a piano attachment for camp concerts are just some of the absurd inventions to be found in this book of cartoons designed to keep spirits up during the Second World War. These intricate comic drawings poke gentle fun at both the instruments of war and the indignity of the air-raid shelter in Heath Robinson's inimitable style.
The ancient art of doodling has been around for thousands of years. Depictions of wild beasts on cave walls, funny little carvings on age-old artefacts - we've been at it a while. So what better way to celebrate this time-honoured tradition than by doodling while you dump? Fill a fish tank, illustrate the alphabet, envision outer space - whatever takes your creative fancy. Sit back, relax and prepare to make your masterpiece.
First published in 1987 and long out of print, this collection of Auberon Waugh's writings while wine correspondent at various times for Tatler, the Spectator and Harper's and Queen is now considered a classic text by a new generation of wine writers and connoisseurs. Waugh On Wine is riddled with his legendary wit: `...hosts that skimp on their wine should be exposed, ridiculed and humiliated'. On aperitifs he wrote, `The general effect of cocktails is to anesthetise the brain, drive out the worries and preoccupations of the day and prepare men and women for each other's company.' On smoking cannabis: `For those readers that are still old-fashioned enough to smoke pot, the only wine I ever found that went well with it was Deinhart's Hochheimer Konigin Victoria Beng Riesling Kabinett.' The best way to enjoy this cornucopia of delight is to settle into a comfy chair, pour a glass of your favourite vintage and enjoy a master stylist at the top of his game.
'A beautiful meditation on the writer's relocation from bustling London to bucolic Florence. It reminded me why I cherish slow living in southern Europe' (Taiye Selasi, Guardian)
Chosen as Book of the Year by Random Jottings
Made redundant from her job, Kamin Mohammadi flees the bleak streets of London for a friend's sun-dappled apartment in Florence. There, among the cobbled streets, the bustling, vibrant markets and the majestic palazzos, she finds a new lease of life, and a new way to live it.
At once lyrical and practical, Bella Figura shows us how to make every aspect of life as beautiful as it can be. From how to choose the perfectly ripe tomato to how to walk down the street in style, Kamin Mohammadi explores the intricate nuances of Italian culture, and sets down a simple guide to a better, more elegant - and ultimately more satisfying - life.
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