One Sheet to the Wind (Electronic book text)

A collection of the author's humorous newspaper columns. For a good chuckle, open to any page...

"Don't change horses in midstream." Of course not. Would you change a baby in midstream? Personally, I wouldn't change a horse in the warmth and comfort of a draft-free stall. Equine husbandry is hardly a fit subject for a proverb in the first place.--Not all proverbs age gracefully.

(Dear Abbe's male-audience counterpart, Dr. Abe, answers a fan's question.) Special to Baffled in Costa Mesa, California: You bumpkin! No wonder your hemorrhoids swell when you have sex. Viagara is ingested, not supposited!--Cheerless in Pottstown, PA.

"Ah yes, Rene Descartes," the professor mused dreamily. "The age of rationalism. 'I think therefore I am.'"

"Yep, the French guy," I replied, my confidence restored. "Only, I believe, Sir, his signature remark was, 'I am therefore I think.'" I smiled understandingly. "I, uh, believe you said it backward. Accidentally, I'm sure."

Dr. Spirale, clearly troubled by my gentle rebuke, didn't speak for several seconds. I quietly respected his obvious embarrassment.--Potholes on the road to wisdom.

The Ten Commandments of the Old Testament? There were originally fifteen. That's right, five additional core commandments. And I don't mean that dinky follow-up stuff of the latter-day prophets. I hate being the one to point a finger, but most likely it was Moses who blew it.--Ten? Only ten Moses? Are you sure?

Plovers, a type of shore bird, can't sing a lick. They compensate for this incapacity, however, by prattling endlessly. Granted, many a spouse is no less annoying, but this column is about the etymology of oddball words, not the proclivities of ourmates.--Beyond buzz, cuckoo, and splat.