The Official Love and Marriage Jokebook (Paperback)

Doris said to her sister, "I have to be extremely careful not to get pregnant." "But I thought Bill got a vasectomy?" "Precisely." What's the best thing to do when you see your wife staggering around on your front lawn? Shoot her again. Why are men smarter when they're making love? They are plugged into a fucking know-it-all. What do a fat chick and a moped have in common? They're both fun to ride, but you never want your friends to see you on one. A bride-to-be knows exactly what type of music she wants played at her wedding. She auditions 20 pianists before this musician plays an original composition that is precisely what she was looking for. "That was perfect," she says. "What do you call it?" He says, "Drive Me to Capistrano Baby, Because That's Where You're Gonna Swallow." "Yuck. What a nasty title; but it is a beautiful song, play me another." He does and this one is even better. "That's magnificent. What do you call it?" "Bend Over and Touch Your Ankles Baby-I'm a Backdoor Man." "You're hired," she says, "but for God's sake don't tell anyone the names of your songs." The wedding day comes and the guests at the reception are more than impressed with the music. But the pianist has been drinking an ocean of champagne. He has to go to the bathroom and is so drunk he botches the job. He cleans up as best he can and returns to the piano. Halfway there he's stopped by the bride who says, "Do you know there's shit on your shoes and your zipper's down?" "Know it?" he says. "Bitch, I wrote it." What do you call a couple using the rhythm, will power, or withdrawal methods of birth control? Parents. A woman told her friend, "I just made my ex-husband a millionaire." "What was he before?" "A billionaire." Why do people get married? So they have someone to blame. What's the difference between a wife and mistress? About 45 pounds. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 45 minutes. Samantha discontinued sex to answer the phone. When she returned to bed her partner asked, "Who was that?" "My husband." "What does he want?" "He just wanted to tell me he'll be home late because he went bowling with you." A man propositions a hooker. He offers $10. She insists on $50. That's too steep for him so he decides to go home to his wife. They fuck and then walk down to the local bar for a drink. They pass the hooker who says, "See what a lousy $10 gets you?" A husband said, "I've devised a new sexual position that will save our marriage." The wife said, "What is it?" "Back-to-back." "It's impossible to have sex back-to-back." "Sure we can. I've persuaded the new neighbors to join us." At a divorce recovery workshop a man stands up and says, "My ex-wife is a decent, honest person and a great mother to our children. But I'm into kinky sex-I mean the kinkier the better-and she was a straight lay. It put our marriage under so much strain it fell apart." A lady stands up and says, "Same with me. And I live around the corner." So they leave and go to her place. They do some kissy-face and get naked on the couch and she says, "I'm ready." "Me too." She runs to her bedroom and assembles all her gear: leather bra and thong, whip and handcuffs, nipple clips and a battery powered dildo that could propel a bass boat. She returns to the living room and sees him dressed and leaving. "Hey Where are you going? I thought you liked it kinky?" He says, "Lady, I just fucked your cat and shit in your purse, what the hell do you want?" Why do women have periods? Because they deserve them. After making love the bride slapped her husband's face. "What was that for?" he asked. "For being a lousy fucking lover." He slapped her back. "What was that for?" she asked. "For knowing the difference." What's the definition of confidence? Your wife finds you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next bitch." Many more tasteless and filthy love and marriage jokes inside.