Bootleg (Electronic book text)

Nothing is too outrageous for Damon Wayans. Whether he's talking about family, celebrities, racism, relationships, politics, or sex, Damon takes no prisoners. And in Bootleg, he brings it all on, uncut and uncensored:

Marriage...

What are the scariest words known to man? "Till death do us part." Why not until my car breaks down? Or until I run out of money?

I hate marriage counselors. This is the biggest scam in the world. Someone figured out a way that women can do the things they love best at the same time: talk and spend money.

Thoughts on celebrities, like Oprah, Mike Tyson, Dr. Kevorkian, Gary Coleman, and...

There's something worse than having HIV, ask 0.J.Imagine being alienated from the world, totally alone with no one wanting to have anything to do with you. I'll take the Ebola virus over what he got.

When I found out that Steven Spielberg has two black kids, I was amazed. Where did he get these kids from? Were they props left over from The Color Purple?

"The Dozens, a Favorite Childhood Game...

"Damon, your mother is so fat she has to take her pants off just to get into her pockets."

"Yeah, well, your mother's so poor she can't even pay attention."

"Oh, yeah, well your sister is so ugly, they have to tie a pork chop around her neck so that the dog will play with her."

"Yeah, well, your mother is so black every time she goes to night school the teachers mark her absent."

Living in LA...

I'm afraid of earthquakes, especially because I have kids to think about. I remember once after a big earthquake I was standing outside my house, butt-naked, thinking, "Man, I hope them kids make it out here. And I hope they're smart enough to wake up their mama, cause this place is shaking."

Black Leaders...

I must have been asleep the day they elected Al Sharpton as the black representative. He is the only leader in history to show up to a rally wearing a tight red velour sweat suit with a roller in the front of his hair.

Filled with laughs, craziness, and lots of truth, Bootleg will leave you hurting for more

Who went and told Magic Johnson that he should do a talk show? Anybody who repeatedly says "bassetball" doesn't have any business doing a talk show. I'm sure that sometimes in his life someone tried to correct him. When he was a little boy his mom must've tried:

Magic's Mother: Hey, Earvin, what are you going to be when you grow up?

Magic: I wanna play BASSETBALL.

Magic's Mother: Now, Earvin, its called BAS-KET-BALL. BASKETBALL.

Magic: That's what I said, BASSETBALL. BASSETBALL, BASSETBALL.Magic's Mother: Well, baby, I hope you can play it, 'cause you sure can't say it.