The Official Blonde Jokebook (Paperback)

"The man next to me is jacking off," said the blonde to her girlfriend as they sat in the movie theater. "Ignore him." "I can't," said the blonde. "He's using my hand." How do we know that God isn't blonde? If she were, sperm would taste like chocolate. What are Vanna White's favorite consonants? North and South America. What do you call two blondes standing on either side of a friend with a broken leg? Support hos. Why'd the blonde get fired from the sperm bank? Drinking on the job Why'd the blond give up moose hunting? The decoys were too heavy. What is gross stupidity? 144 blondes. Why'd the blonde fail Biology? Instead of dissecting frogs she was busy opening flies. "What's the difference," the nun asked the class, "between fornication and adultery?" "I've tried both," said the blonde, "and actually they are pretty similar." "I don't know what you see in him," said the brunette, "he's just an everyday kind of guy." The blonde replied, "What more could you ask for?" Why aren't blondes pharmacists? Because they can't get those little bottles into the typewriters. Did you hear about the blonde admiral who wanted to be buried at sea? Three of his sons drowned digging the grave. The blonde went to the campus clinic and had the intern remove a wad of red wax from her belly button. "How ever," asked the intern, "did you acquire a lump of wax in your belly button?" "My boyfriend eats by candlelight." "What do you take for a sore throat?" one blonde asked a brunette. "I just suck on a Life Saver." "That's easy for you; you live at the beach." A coed reminiscing about her childhood asked her blonde roommate, "Did you play with jacks when you were little?" "Yes. And Paul's, Chuck's, Bobby's..." A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walked into the women's locker room after a workout. Suddenly an erect cock protruded from a shower stall. The redhead said, "That's not my husband." The brunette said, "That's not my husband or my lover." The blonde said, "He's not even a member of this club." How did the boss know that his new secretary was a blonde? The white-out on the computer screen. Did you hear about the blonde who moved from California to Mississippi? She raised the IQ of both states. How'd the blonde hemophiliac die? She tried acupuncture. A blonde said to her analyst: "Every time I drink I end up in a three-way or a gang-fuck and I feel guilty about it for weeks." "It's obvious that you have to quit drinking." "Can't you just do something about the guilt?" At the New Year's Eve party one blonde said to the other, "If I'm not in bed by midnight I'm going home." A blonde goes to heaven and St. Peter says, "Cause of death?" "Herpes." "You don't die from herpes." "You do when you give it to Big Dave." What do blondes call underwear? Ankle warmers. Why do blondes have two sets of lips? So they can piss and moan at the same time. What do you call a blonde pulling off her pantyhose? Foreplay. What do you call a blonde with genital herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, and AIDS? An incurable romantic. Did you hear about the blonde who set her pussy on fire on the Fourth of July? She lit the fuse to her tampon. Did you hear about the blonde that went fishing with 14 guys? They all limited out; all she got was a red snapper. Why'd the blonde spend 20 minutes staring at the orange juice carton? Because it said Concentrate. An American blonde in France is raped by a gang of twelve men. The local police chief is shocked and embarrassed and says, "We will, madam, apprehend all twelve suspects." "Don't bother," she says. "Just get number two, number seven and number nine." "Mother?" asked the new bride, "how can I make my new husband happy?" "Love," said the mother, "can be a beautiful bond between two people who respect each other's needs..." I know how to fuck, mom," said the girl. "I want you to teach me how to make meatloaf." Many many more blonde jokes inside.